“Do you mind if we leave early?” - he asked me.

It took me a moment to understand. I wanted to stay, but I couldn’t get him to go through this. Arron gave me a worried look, and I nodded in return. We would be fine.

“I never imagined it like this” - he said as we walked home - “It’s… It’s hell, Anya.”

He stopped for a second.

“I can’t describe it with words. You can’t imagine the hatred and chaos. It’s like wildfire once it starts, and I also got caught in it. The things I did…” - he said, barely holding a sob.

“The moment it was over, the reality of what I’ve done hit me like a wall. I was holding two rocks which I had just bashed someone’s head with. I looked down and saw his bloody skull. He was unrecognizable. I vomited and slumped to the ground, hoping it would end. I couldn’t hold a sword anymore. I sank into the mud and leaned on the unlucky bastard. I saw Goran, the shepherd lying a few meters away from me, his guts were spilling out, and he was yelling for me to help. I just sat there. I couldn’t move.”

We walked for a few more moments before I managed to say anything. They say we pagans will go to hell, but it seems that Roric had been there already.

“I want to tell you that I understand but I can’t. I never will. I see how much it’s hurting you. But that’s fine. I know it makes you hate yourself. And that’s fine. It makes you wish it never happened but at the same time, I’m sure there’s something in you that’s glad you fought.”

“I killed a lot of men. And I don’t think I can ever be the same.” - he said

“You don’t have to be.” - I said

“I’m not proud of who I am. I want to be more like the men that just forget and block it out. Look at Bohdan. He’s been busy building a house ever since we came back. Next time he will probably raise a new neighborhood by himself. I can’t stop thinking about it. Each time I close my eyes, I see them. His smashed face… I can’t sleep, I…”

We walked the rest of the way holding hands in silence until we entered the house.

“It must have been hell for you too. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me. Every day and night I wondered if you were safe here on your own. When I saw my friends showered with arrows, the shafts sticking out of their chests, my first thought was whether someone had hurt you while I was away. I love you. I don’t know how I’ll pull through next time…”

I loved him too. Him and all his demons. Things got better, and he opened up more. But his words echoed in my mind. Next time. I knew that whatever we had wouldn’t last forever. That summer, war drums started beating again, and Roric had to dance to their beats.

“What’s your name, son?” - an army man asked as the conscripts gathered, noting their names.

“Rorick, sir.”

“Whose are you?”

“No one’s.”

“Your father’s name?”

“Don’t have one.”

“Well, this is your family now. Pick up a sword, one piece of armor. Only one. There must be enough for everybody. Then get in line.”

On a hot summer day, when the sweat comes pouring out of your body from the morning, a column of men marched out of the village. An invisible force went through the houses and pulled away from our fathers, brothers, and husbands. They all looked back and held their hands out for a little longer, hoping to escape its grip. But in the end, they all submitted to its will, bent their heads, and left.

“Come back to me!” - I yelled, holding his hand with everything I got

“I will.” - he said and put all his strength into a smile - “I promise.”